I Don't Think We Could Charge for Admission...

Here's what a tour would sound like, if our house were Graceland:

As you enter the premises, notice the overarching theme of ‘Godforsaken Mess.’ The residents have painstakingly cultivated this look throughout every room in the house, using a variety of creative strategies. Absolutely NO PICTURES, please!

As you stumble through the living/dining room, you will see many signs of the "Clutter" movement--take note especially of the matchbox cars, wooden train tracks, and tiny sparkly valentine stickers strewn across the floor. See how the residents display their quirky senses of humor by ironically placing empty plastic and canvas bins throughout the space! Ha ha! No toys go in there! It seems the residents prefer to store toys under the couches and tables when they are not on display on the floor.

Watch your step as we move into the kitchen, as stray peas or carrots likely have rolled out from under the dining table after today’s lunch. You may notice that the kitchen stands out as the tidiest room of the house, as the home’s main resident spends most of her day here. Despite its relative tidiness, however, we see in here traces of the “Random” method: the Elmo-face digital camera perched over the stove is one example, as is the dusty remote-controlled helicopter resting in a container otherwise holding baby bibs.

As you continue through the house, you will see that the blank white walls of the "Laziness" style stand in sharp contrast to the surroundings. Some attempts at “décor” have been made—note the lovely new curtains in their original packaging stored carefully in a laundry basket by the front door—but generally the residents seem to adhere to the “Removable Wall Stickers” school of thought as far as decorations are concerned.

Ah, here we are in the heart of the house—the boys’ playroom, a Mecca of “Haphazard Play.” Tread carefully here, as a recently acquired toy seems to have lost its marbles (much like the adult residents of this house), and you are likely to step on one. Oh! How precious! See how someone was pretending to cook a baby doll in a pot on the play kitchen stove! Notice the shelves in the corner housing dozens of store-bought toys, then look to the middle of the room where underpants, empty cardboard boxes, and ripped up pieces of paper seem to have been dropped mid-game. The juvenile residents of the home prefer common household items to toys in their recreational activities, or so it seems.

As you make your way carefully back to the front door, take a deep breath. If you're lucky, today will be a "Mysterious Smell" day and one or even several noxious aromas will drift through the rooms. Step around the extremely large cat disguising herself as an area rug—don’t touch, she’ll bite!—and check your clothes for errant stickers (if you brushed against any surface, you’re likely to have picked one up). Thank you for coming! Stop by the garage, er Gift Shop, on your way out to pick up a souvenir of your visit! A broken toy, perhaps? Mismatched socks? Maybe you’re in need of some college sorority t-shirts and picture frames? You name it, we have it!