How To Breed Unicorns

(This post was originally written as one of my assignments for the Blogger Idol competition. Just in case you thought I had gone completely off my rocker and was just writing about breeding unicorns for fun.)

 

It’s easy to breed your unicorn, if you know what to do. Just follow these four simple steps.

**DISCLAIMER: We take NO responsibility for the success or failure of your unicorn breeding efforts, or any injuries, dismemberment, or death you may sustain during said activities. Follow all suggested safety precautions throughout the breeding process. Wear protective gear and remember unicorn engagement protocol at ALL times.**

****Seriously, are you paying attention? Because once a unicorn gets all “mystical creature” on your ass, you are going to WISH you were wearing protective gear. They don’t use that horn for tickling, you know.****

********Ok, I’m not sure you get how serious I am. Stop what you’re doing and go check your health insurance coverage. Make sure you’ve got hospitalization. Do not even THINK of breeding your unicorn unless you have full coverage.********

****************While you’re at it, check your life insurance, too. Or buy some. Just DON’T MENTION your plans to breed your unicorn to the agent. Duh.****************

Ok, all set? You sure you still want to do this? Then let’s move on to…

STEP 1: FINDING A SUITABLE MATE FOR YOUR UNICORN

You really can find ANYTHING online these days.

Like everything else with unicorns, this step is harder than it sounds. You’re probably thinking, “I’ll connect with other unicorn owners online and find a stallion who’s available. Then we’ll put the two unicorns together at just the right time, and voila! Enchanted baby-making time!”

Yeah, right. Only if you want to see a death match that will make Braveheart look like a kids’ movie.

Please. A unicorn cannot just be bred. She must be romanced.

Start with unicorn match-making sites like U-Harmony.com and U-Date. Your unicorn will likely reject most of the available suitors at first, as she considers herself to be a paragon of magical loveliness. Remind your unicorn that she’s not getting any younger and that she may want to lower her standards a bit.

****UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU REMIND YOUR UNICORN OF HER SLIGHTLY PRETTIER YOUNGER SISTER WHO HAS ALREADY SUCCESSFULLY BRED THREE TIMES.****

It may take time, but eventually you and your unicorn will find an agreeable partner who is available for a night of mythical passion. Set a date, and now it’s time for…

STEP 2: SETTING THE MOOD

Again, you can’t just expect your stallion to arrive and get straight down to business. Your unicorn wants to be treated like a lady. Prepare a romantic meal by candlelight so the unicorns may get to know each other. As you know, unicorns eat grass, root vegetables, and wishes. Don’t worry about presentation—they don’t give a leprechaun’s ass about it.

****NEVER use the term “I don’t give a leprechaun’s ass” around a unicorn. Remember the outcome of the bloody Gold War lo these many years ago? You don’t hear about the unicorn’s pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, do you? DO NOT TALK ABOUT LEPRECHAUNS AROUND YOUR UNICORN.****

While the unicorns eat, prepare the breeding room. You may have assumed that unicorns want to knock hooves in a lush field of green lit with rainbows. You’re wrong. We all know that unicorns poop rainbows—would YOU want to do the nasty in a bed of your own poop?

No. Once the mood strikes, the unicorns will only need a room prepared in just the right way.

The most important thing to do is to leave a few things around the room that the unicorns can use to…um…”get things moving” in the breeding department, if you know what I mean. A few expensive bottles of fermented dew go a long way in helping to break the ice between hesitant magical lovers. Of course, all unicorns appreciate a basket of toys like hoof cuffs to keep things interesting, as well. And, don’t forget the ultimate breeding aid: Uniporn. Despite popular beliefs, unicorns don’t go for vanilla elf-on-fairy fare. If you REALLY want your unicorns to breed successfully, find a dvd with well-groomed chupacabras and fire-breathing dragons. Enough said?

Don't. Just...don't.

****Your unicorn will ask you for flavored body paint—you SHOULD NOT give it to her! Unicorns are notoriously hypoglycemic and respond poorly to sugary treats. Remember: Cranky, dizzy, possibly-unconscious unicorns are not usually successful breeders. Can you blame them? ****

STEP 3: LETTING NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE

When your unicorns are ready, lead them to the breeding room. They will see how you have set the mood and will know what to do next. Shut the door and leave them to it.

**** DO NOT LINGER IN THE BREEDING ROOM. WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO UNICORNS IS NOT FOR HUMAN EYES.****

Give your unicorns some time. You will know they are done when you see an enormous explosion of glitter. At this point, you may open the door again. Leave the stallion where you find him, sleeping soundly on the floor. Lead your unicorn out to a quiet place where she can tell you about her feelings.

STEP 4: WAITING FOR JUNIOR’S ARRIVAL

According to “experts” online, a unicorn’s gestation period is 1,230 days. This is a long time to spend with a hormonal, pregnant unicorn. Also, baby unicorns are a real pain in a leprechaun’s ass. They chew everything and take YEARS to housebreak—you will be cleaning rainbows from every surface of your home for longer than you care to think about. My advice? Sell your pregnant unicorn to some poor, unsuspecting forest nymph and use the profits to get yourself a centaur. They are much more reasonable and pretty much take care of themselves. You’re welcome.